NUS and a happy US, is what I need now, more than anything else.

I don't know in which direction my life is heading to. Day by day, I come across something of the other that makes me feel that I am losing myself in all of life's muddle. The HAPPY-GO-LUCKY Neha, the all-time CHEERFUL Neha who carries the best smile in the world with her! It's been three and a half months since I have waited for the outcome of my dream university's application and I am expected to know the outcome by the end of this week. Besides that, the thought of knowing that there might be chances that I have to undergo a long-distance relationship with the person I truly love makes me jump out of my skin. Moreover, he is leaving this Saturday for a forceful Europe tour because of his pig-headed father, leaving us just this little amount of days to spend time with each other. It really hurts feeling terribly hurt due to being associated with him when I am supposed to be feeling joy and happiness being in love with him. He is not at fault... but the persisting conditions and people are to be blamed for all this catastrophe. We have NO IDEA which university and which country we are going to end up studying in and that is what scares me so much! It has been such an anxious wait and since my holidays had started, I feel that I have had more of the bad things than the good. Each and everyday, I feel like my heart breaks into one more piece each day I live. Nothing and absolutely nothing great has happened so far, except the realization and confession of me and my love. That had incredible imperfections as well. It hasn't been a smooth road at all!!! First came 'hesitation', then came the fear to accept, then came the acceptance of our love, then came a long long queue of misunderstandings, discussions and fights and now this calamity of might having the need to be separated. It hasn't been perfect and it hurts. They say that in love we have to look beyond the imperfections... but what if the imperfections far outweigh the goodness of the relationship. I still choose to hold on, I always will, because even in another planet or universe, I cannot find anyone like him and that is why I CANNOT at any cost afford to LOSE him. He has been the sunrise in my dark mornings and the moonlight in my darkest nights. Someone who takes care of me and loves me unconditionally. Someone who looks forward spending the rest of his life with me. Trust me, it's hard to enjoy life's pleasures carrying so much pain within you. I do not wish to do anything at all these days. I force myself to look happy, I force myself to smile because even if I present my sadness to anyone, it's not lessened at all. And this feeling, is completely disappointing. The feeling of drowning in the ocean of sadness and knowing that you have become so habituated to it that it's extremely hard now to come out being alive(completely happy) again... unless something extraordinary comes along and lifts you up from the raging waters of depression to the most-awaited and desired cloud nine!

I am feeling so down. I don't know why. I feel so low. So sad. So alone. I'm not happy. I'm just crying tears. So despondent. So inferior. So heart broken. So spiritless. Extremely lifeless. I feel I have no reasons to be truly happy. You can see me smile, but you can't see how much broken I am from the inside. I need someone to lift me up. Someone who will understand me and get me out of my depression. Nothing and I mean nothing is making my life joyful :'(

Life has gone too far since I last blogged. I'm close to my graduation and soon I would be experiencing my university life. I've been working in and out in all my endeavors. Very recently, I opened a mehndi stall in a bazaar at a university here in Jakarta. I even earned 577k. A little productive work done during my super long holidays. My writings skills have been really appreciated, both in school as well as in the newspaper. I've always been positive and excited about life. But I guess life has come with a certainty of ensuring sadness and misery to prevail in one's life. My dream of being the head girl was replaced by being a captain. I did make my house proud, but somewhere in my heart, I'm still hurt. I usually kick all the bad things of life to the back of my mind, and continue to remain happy with all of life's other little pleasures. But what happened recently, really shattered me and broke my heart into a million more pieces. The dream I truly wished for, what I truly prayed for, wasn't gifted to me. There is a limit to bear the consequences of life's rejected dreams. Who would ever know what I'm going through? I fake a smile every moment of life, for fear that I will worry another person, especially my family, of the troubles I'm going through. They have their own worries to concern. Every hour of my life, weakens me. I don't wish to have a purpose in life now. I don't fear rejection, I don't fear to be hurt again. I just have lost all faith to believe in myself again, to believe in my goals and dreams. All this while I've been keeping positive, but now I'm just hopeless. I try to cheer myself up, but nothing would ever heal my broken heart. I cry hysterically everytime I get the chance to be alone, but I guess there is no one to hear me cry and apprehend my tears and heal my broken heart. My friends simple say words to motivate me, but it takes true support to work out. I guess nothing and I mean nothing can get me out of this dip I'm currently in. I'm meant to face all this alone. I'm just so deserving of all this suffering. I guess true love has found me, but I don't seem happy. Or even when I am, I guess I'm forced to be. I want to send my life with the one I love truly, but more importantly for now, I only want my happiness back. Nothing else! It hurts to cry all day and night. It hurts to have your dreams shattered. It hurts to know your dreams have been gifted to other people. It hurts and simply hurts. Everytime I look in the mirror, I realise I've lost my sparkling eyes. I've lost my charming smile. I've lost me :( But I'm asked to move on. I will move on, but without expectations. My heart is broken, my dreams are shattered, my hopes lost. But I'll still fake a smile, so I don't bother anyone. I'll just go with the flow. And still cry, everytime I am alone...

I love my Blog :)

SUPER BUSY IN LIFE THESE DAYS! That's why I don't update often! But I still love my blog, will always! :D

Dreams Come True for Me :)

Back!

Back Back Back after a long long time..........!
Glad to be having holidayssss, with a list of things to do! 1 aim has been set up and that is to 'shape' myself in the best positive way. Preparing for a huge show related to my life! For personal pleasure and contentment, might sign up for twitter tomorrow... I hope I don't get lazy tomorrow. Alsooooo, I'm learning driving! It was the first class today which should be labelled- Scary!

THE UNIVERSE LIKES SURPRISING US WHEN WE LEAST EXPECT IT! BUT I SAY- I LIKE SURPRISING PEOPLE WHEN THEY LEAST EXPECT IT!!!
Good Night :) And incase you dream about something and want to share it with someone, pen it down as soon as you wake up. Otherwise, it will slip out of your mind :p

A new day, a new spirit! Be passionate in all that you do! Stay cheerful :D Good morning world!
p.s. It's 'DESCRIBE ME IN ONE WORD' day. I would like an honest reaction )

I am not getting my math sums right! I can't seem to think straight! There is something that's playing hide and seek in my head! I only want to have a walk on the beach to calm my mind.
*sigh*
Something needs to come to me and encourage me. Its time to move forward and not go back to where I was.
*feelingempty*

I had the time of my life and I never felt this way before....

Had an amazing ride home tonight! I'll feel glad if my life had such pleasant and overwhelming rides where worries would evaporate into thin air and leave you with a sparkling smile.
Also be yourself and don't think that you don't look good with your spectacles or any other thing because for some people you look wonderful just the way you are :)